A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
------------ -
TTFN

Beth Meiller
Since it's that time of I have repeated this and it may give all you parents out there a way of getting the kids home!

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.


I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?


I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. & n bsp;But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.


Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.



So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

>In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
>animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
>punishable by death.
>
>(Like THAT makes sense.)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
>prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
>only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
>(Do they look different reversed?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
>applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
>a brick or piece of wood at all times.
>
>(A brick?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.!
>
>(Much worse than 'going blind!')
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
>deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
>the first time
>
>Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
>
>
>(Let's just think for a minute; is there
>any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
>husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
>
>
>The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
>desired.
>
>(Ah! Justice!)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical
>fish stores.
>
>(But of course!)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
>first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
>
>(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
>In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
>and her daughter at the same time.
>
>(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
>exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in
>places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
>
>(Is this a great country or what?
>Well, not as great as Guam !)
>*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
>
>(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>
>(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
>and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
>
>(From drinking little bottles of???)
>(Did the government pay for this research??)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>(Ah, geez.)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>(I know some people like that.)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>Starfish don't have brains.
>
>(I know some people like that, too.)
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>And, the best for last?
>
>Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>
>(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favorite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." < BR>"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We we re the first on the moon!"
T he Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"